nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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