She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
