Little spoons don't ask big questions
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
