he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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