speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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