if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
