I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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