y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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