Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
