Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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