i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
