I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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