drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
