I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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