Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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