he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
