I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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