I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
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Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
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Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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