so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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