Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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