a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
