I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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