Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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