just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
