Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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