GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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