He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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