You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
