i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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