dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
