i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
