My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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