Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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