So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
