you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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