ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
