Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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