I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i barfeds in our rink
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
