you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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