Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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