I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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