I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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