i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize