I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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