I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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