Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
