Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
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Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
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Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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