Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.