he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just gargled with NyQuil