Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you