i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.