To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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