My room smells like vodka and shame
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me