i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Randomize
