This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
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I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
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Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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