where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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