OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
this is an emotional support booty call
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