Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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