Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
