Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Banned from zoo.
Again?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
