Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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